Off the Fence

So I did something I wasn't expecting to do last night. I somehow decided that I would come out to my family. It all started when I was talking to this guy online. I'm back in the city, and super bored. Not many people are around and the ones who are don't seem to have a lot of free time. Ugh. So anyway I was talking to this guy, and I asked him if he was out to his parents. And so he told me about it and how well it went, and I guess it just hit me or something. Then he started asking why I hadn't told mine, and I really didn't have any good reason. I never did mostly because there just wasn't anything that made me want to. I've never had a real boyfriend, so I just felt like there wasn't any news to report. I don't really talk to my parents about personal things like that anyway. But after thinking it through and this guy kind of reassuring me that it was going to happen eventually, I ended up deciding to just do it. I wanted to tell my brother first. We don't really talk ever. He's only 2 years younger than I am. I sent him an email. I had it all written out and then just hit send. It was pretty scary and I didn't like having to wait for his response. Then I figured I would just go for it and call my mom. It was 10 pm on a Saturday night, but I called anyway. I was all ready to just say "There's something I want to tell you...". And wouldn't you know, it went to voicemail. Voicemail! The one time my mom isn't up late. Obviously I wasn't going to leave a voicemail. I half expected her to call back, but she didn't.

So this morning my brother emails me back. It said that they had already suspected it anyway and that it was fine and all. Pretty much what I expected to get, and what I would hope the response would be. Not much to say about it, I mean it's kind of just like saying hey I'm right-handed. I know it's bigger than that, but really it's just stating a fact. My mom didn't call me back today though. Also strange. But I'm taking it as a sign. I feel like the moment kind of passed anyway and getting it out to one family member for now is plenty. Maybe my brother and I will be a little bit closer now. Who knows. I'm not really hoping for anything to change. Quite the opposite really. I'd rather everything just be exactly the same but without having this thing hanging over me. I just wouldn't want to meet someone and want them to come to Christmas or something and not be able to do it.

So that's what's going on with me today. I've been extremely bored all day though. I tried to do a little shopping, but didn't see much. Then I went grocery shopping. That was pretty much all I did today. I kind of feel like just wandering around and going for a walk. Sitting around watching movies I've seen already on TV is starting to get a little old. How crazy is it that I'm kind of looking forward to going back to work. I'm so lucky I like my job. Wow, I must be bored if I'm starting to say things like that.

Home Again

Well, Sorry I haven't posted in a while. (I don't know to whom I'm apologizing, since there are maybe three people who have actually read this blog. Haha.) But, there really hasn't been a whole lot on which to post. I just came back from my parents house and doing all that Christmas stuff. It's pretty boring there, and they're in a new house, so it doesn't really feel like home. Plus, it's just nice to sleep in your own bed with your own things around you. Our cat was particularly glad I came home, seeing as how she's such an attention whore and has been alone for several days.

Let's see though. I have been talking to this one boy online as of late. He doesn't live in the city though. He's about a 45 minute train ride out in New Jersey. Which, honestly, makes me think there's little chance of it turning into anything. I also don't know if he's really my type. He's kind of got that punk look that some guys have. Like, he probably should be wearing clothes another size smaller and that sort of thing. I know it's judgemental, but I'll admit it, I judge. I haven't totally written him off though. He definitely looks very nice without clothes. Probably a little short for me, but whatever. We've been just fooling around online for the last couple weeks. He's also not out which is probably the biggest problem. He only realized he was into guys within the last year and he's in his mid-twenties. But he wants to come into the city and go on a date and stuff, so I suppose it can't hurt to meet him. He's really sweet and we've had some pretty intimate conversations online. But I worry that I'm a little more realistic about what might actually be possible between us than he is. Like, I think he may be starting to like me more than I actually like him. I also worry that I worry too much and should just let things happen as they happen. Haha. But that's me. I analyze. Potentially to a fault, but nonetheless it's what I do.

He's out of town right now, but when he gets back, I think he wants to meet up. It makes me nervous, but I think it'll be fine. There's another boy too whom I potentially will meet when he gets back to the city. He actually lives here and seems more my type, so I just don't know where that will lead.

After never having put any effort into dating or trying to find someone, I'm starting to realize why it's such a big deal. Like, every movie or song you see or hear is about love and what a struggle it is. And even with the LIMITED bit that I've put into it over the last couple months, I'm starting to really see what everyone is talking about. That's life I suppose and it does feel good to be making even a tiny effort. It would be easy to stick with the status quo and just go to work all day and come home and go to bed and then do it all over again, but I've done that. I'm good at that. It's time for something or someone new. I'm bored with just me.

A Week of Nothing and an Office Party

So I took this entire week off for vacation because I had to use my days by the end of the year. New Year's Resolution #1: Take vacation days during the summer when you can actually use them. This week I've literally laid in bed chatting online for the better part of. I've went grocery shopping a couple times. Got a haircut. Went to Staples. Went to lunch with coworkers. And that's pretty much been it for me. Most days I didn't even shower before 2. But it's my vacation, so I don't feel too bad. Plus it's cold outside. What am I gonna do, go lay in the sun? I still feel like a bit of a waste. Next year, I get twice as many days. Haha. So I'll have to definitely try to use them. It is nice not being in the office though. There really wasn't a whole lot of stuff I would have had to do anyway since I just finished a project before I left. Oh we did have our Xmas party. That was interesting.

So I ended up sitting next to my friend who isn't actually a designer. He's in our press office. He's really cute and I'm definitely attracted to him. But I know he's straight, so I've gotten over it and now we're really good friends which is fine with me. The press people don't really hang out with anyone else in the office much though, so I'm pretty much his only good friend in the office. So anyway. We're eating dinner. Having wine. I think he has a lower tolerance than he'll admit, because I can tell that somethings off. But that wasn't the problem. I on the other hand had had more wine than I should have. Not drunk, just kinda making me sick. Especially when they were serving lobster ravioli as the starting course. I think something wasn't agreeing. Not sure why I'm explaining that, but it was just an off night drink-wise. But the worst part was when he asked if there was any gossip on him. Apparently I know all the gossip (which is kinda true). So I tell him the only thing that anyone has ever mentioned (def not the only thing, but the only harmless non-offensive thing i could come up with) was that when my other guy friend was talking to him at another party someone thought they were gonna hook up. So he asks me if my friend is gay and I say yeah (because I'm pretty sure everyone already knows). Apparently he didn't. Fuck. I just outed the only other gay guy i know of in my office. I'm such a douche. The weird part was that he was all disappointed. He was like "oh man. i thought he was just being friendly." So I started questioning him about it and asking "well who says he wasn't" and "what does it matter if he's gay, he totally was just being friendly." He said, no matter what there's always something sexual if a gay guy is talking to another guy or if a guy talks to a girl etc. I mean I know my friend has a crush on the press guy (he's hot), but he definitely WAS just being friendly. So I felt like a douche and was kinda weirded out by his reaction. Of course the next topic to follow is "So you never have any gossip about you. Like, you never talk about your personal life." This is my opening to tell this guy "I'm actually gay, but there's not much to tell about. No boyfriend etc." The perfect opening. Only, I'm surrounded by coworkers (who honestly were probably drunk and not listening) and I just had that weird reaction to someone else being gay, so I chickened out and was just like "There's nothing to tell." So he just asked "You don't talk about it? OK." And that was that. Damn damn damn.

I apologized to my friend and he didn't seem to care one bit. I kinda wanted to be like, "well can you out me to him and we'll be even". Saves me the trouble. Lol.

So anyway. That was my office party.

Actually the fun continued. I made the mistake of switching from clear to brown at some point and ended up vomiting twice the next morning. It sucked.

Thank God I Have My Job

I've realized that not having work to worry about is way too much for me to handle. I'm starting to think that I have trouble compartmentalizing my life. Or maybe it's that I'm particularly good at it. Either way, when I'm working I don't really worry about anything other than work. When I was in school, I didn't really care about anything other than school.

So I don't have to go back to work now until after the New Year. We have a mandatory Christmas break at the first I work at, so I was already getting two weeks off. But I also had a bunch of vacation days that I never used, so I took an additional week on top of that.

But apparently when I have nothing to distract me, I get lonely. I texted Boy1 again this morning saying that I wanted to stop by later today just to say hello and see how he was doing. He responded and said that he was finally getting back to school work after having to take 3 days out to deal with his broken leg. K.... I said "le sigh. ok. well i hope you're feeling better at least." to which he replied. "i'm feeling much better than yesterday. thanks for your concern!" umm... you're welcome?

it's so frustrating. does he actually want to see me again. i believe that he truly is crazy busy, but does that mean that he literally has no time to see me. or even respond to my occasional emails. i don't actually even know how he broke his leg yet. wtf. i know i'm probably wasting my time. my bff told me that i should probably just forget it. but i really liked him and got the feeling that he liked me. aside from not seeing each other, he hasn't said that he's not interested.

ok. i've clearly gone through all of this before on here. i guess it's getting kind of old. Le Sigh.

luckily i have 30 Rock on Netflix to distract me. At least for the night. I've already gone through an ENTIRE season this weekend. it's pretty much genious and i'm totally in love with liz lemon. wish i had someone to enjoy is with though... (pathetic)

Blue

I don't know what just happened. All of a sudden I just feel kinda blue. It's Friday night. I'm home. I've already run out of things to watch on TV. I didn't have any plans for the night. I never have any plans. I don't have any plans for tomorrow aside from getting a haircut. And I don't have anyone to talk to. :( ... Boy 1 confuses me to no end. I sent him a text the other day telling him my deadline was finished and just asking how things were going I think. He texts back that he broke his leg and looks retarded. I text him back "Aww. Well I'm very good at taking care of invalids. :) Let me know if you need anything. Food... Pharmaceuticals..." I don't get a response. Later that night I'm still up, so I email him saying that I probably should have asked how he was, that I hope he's not in pain or anything, and to say that I was serious about being around to help. I never got a reply today. :( I was on facebook and saw that his status changed to Boy1 is "F my life". So I texted him saying hey hope you're doing ok. almost there. He then replys to say Yeah Just tryin to push through the pain. I assume he means all the work he's got. I texted back to again say that I was dying of boredom so if he needed anything to let me know.

I just don't know what the deal is. I also have been a bad facebook stalker of late. I saw that he had posted a "hey" on his ex boyfriends wall the other day. I'm pretty sure they were friends or at least had the same group of friends, so maybe it's ok. But then tonight I saw that his brother wrote on the ex bf's wall asking how boy1 broke his leg. Are they going out together or something. What's the deal. I really just want to ask him if he's just being polite or if he really does want to eventually see each other again.

Anyway. So I'm just feeling lonely and slightly rejected tonight.

Blue... :(

I Don't Get It

So Boy 2 text me tonight around 10 or so asking if I want to cuddle. This is the first I've heard this the last attempt. Yes, it isn't 1 in the morning, but I again decline. Well, actually I didn't really decline. I kind of lied. And now I feel bad about it. Even though any other day this week it would have totally been true. I texted back, "At work. :(". Lie. I was sitting at home watching Top Chef with my roommate. Why didn't I want to go you ask? Well, I still have not met this guy. I've seen his facebook and talked to him online and he seems like a normal nice guy, but I really just don't feel comfortable going to someone's apartment whom I've never met before. It just seems like a potentially bad idea. Unless that's something you're cool with, but I'm just not. So he texts me back and says "Come later." I read it and didn't respond. So far, no further texts have come through. I did just email him though explaining that I'm just not ready to come sleep over without having met in person. I did say at the end of the message that we should do something this weekend and asked if he was free. I think this is probably the best way to go. I mean, I just feel like there should be a sequence to this things. Casual flirting online. Having a couple nice conversations. Making plans to meet. Meeting and having a good time. Making plans to meet again and then whatever. Is that unreasonable? And plus, this guy hasn't talked to me since Thanksgiving other than to ask me to come cuddle the two times. So maybe I'm kind of annoyed about that too. But then I go on his facebook page and see how cute he is. Damn those adorable facebook photos. Haha.

What's with everyone trying to get me out of bed all the time

So I'm laying in bed finishing up an episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia on Hulu, and my phone says I have a message. Oh, it's from Boy #2. So I open it. It says "wanna cuddle?". Mind you it's 1:30 am on a Thursday night. I've been in bed for about an hour on my computer, and I'm about to go to sleep. Now, you might think, that's sweet or I wanna cuddle. And yes, I do wanna cuddle. But Boy#2, we haven't even gone on a first date. AND, I emailed you days ago saying to let me know when you get back from Thanksgiving and we can meet up. This is the first I've heard from him since Saturday. I don't think I'm going to get dressed and get on a subway at 1 in the morning to go see someone I haven't even met in person yet. Am I weird for thinking this way. I talked to him online, and he was kind of a jerk about it. Not like an asshole, just short one word answers for everything. I'm suspecting maybe he just got home (normal people go out on Thursdays I hear) and got the email I sent him a few hours ago asking what was up. Maybe he was drunk and decided to just give it a shot. Maybe if it weren't quite so late, and we hadn't gone a week without talking I would have said yes. But for now, I'm going to go to bed and see what's up tomorrow (assuming it won't take another week for him to get back to me).

Enticing Offer

So I just got off an AIM chat with this guy whom I've been "friends" with on one of those dating websites. I don't know why I friended him. I guess the one picture he had was cute, but I could tell from what he wrote in his profile that he was probably just looking for a hook up. But I accepted his friend request anyway. This was months ago probably. So tonight I'm online talking to this other guy, who's way out of my league and nothing will probably come from that (always hope though), and this guy (we'll call him... Chad) sends me an IM. So I start talking to him. Innocent stuff at first, about how we've been "friends", but never actually talked. Blah, blah, blah. So I say how I'm bored, just hanging out at home. He says "Well want to make your night a little more interesting?" Now, I'm no rocket scientist, but I think it's pretty clear what that means if you read between the lines. He asks me if I want to come over and hang out at his place. Mind you, it's 1:30 in the morning. I'm not the type to stick to any kind of bedtime, but even I think that's a little late to be heading out, let alone travelling from downtown to queens. I tell him I'm flattered, but it's pretty late and random hookups aren't really my thing. He laughs and says I'm being a bit presumptuous. As the conversation goes on, he essentially admits that that is what he had in mind. I've pretty firmly said no thanks, but this guy is intriguing for some reason. He's very persistent, which is kind of a weakness for me (I'll admit it. I have trouble saying no more than once.) Also, I've only got one picture of this guy to go off of, so I don't really even know if I'm attracted to him. I ask him if he has any others and he sends me a couple. He's fine looking. Not really pushing me off the fence one way or another though. Eventually, we get past that and actually have a decent conversation. But come 2 am he's tired and is going to go to bed. He wants to meet up tomorrow at some point he says. I tell him to just IM me. I ask him if he has facebook (obviously looking for some more info to go on here), but he says he's not really out, so he doesn't give that to people he isn't already friends with. K... I guess I buy that. Oh, he also mentions he went to Harvard. Damn it. Suddenly I'm finding you interesting.

Honestly, I haven't had any kind of dating life before, and all of a sudden in the last month or so, I've got three potentials. It's a bit much really. Chad also mentioned that he's not really looking for a relationship right now but would like to meet some friends. I think by friends he means fuck buddies. I'd kind of like to see where things with Boy 1 and Boy 2 are going before I do anything with Chad. Although, Chad made it perfectly clear that he was ready and willing to show me the ropes. I honestly did consider putting my clothes back on and getting on a train, but I really don't like the idea of going over there knowing that it's not going to lead to anything more that a hook up and will probably just confuse me. Did I make the right decision to take life a little slower or should I have just jumped into the deep end?

After writing this all out, I think I'll tell him tomorrow that I'm kind of seeing two other guys right now (even though neither of them have really become much yet), and until I know what is going on with them, I'm not really looking to complicate things further, even if he's just looking for some fun and nothing complicated. I don't think that's what I'm looking for. I'm not just looking for fun, I'm looking for someone to be with. And I don't think that that someone is him right now.

I don't want to lead this guy on, but I don't want to just say sorry not interested. How do I say no thanks now, but maybe later without actually saying it. Haha

New Prospects

Sorry I've been so MIA this week. Work was super busy, trying to finish up a bunch of stuff before the holiday. And then I was in Jersey (eek) for Thanksgiving, so no computer for the last two days. Not too much going on. I still haven't heard from "Boy 1" at all this week. I was waiting in line yesterday to get a train ticket (45 minutes!) and got bored and started texting people. I texted him "Hey. Happy Thanksgiving! Hope you're enjoying your time at home." I get a text back... "You too. Happy Thanksgiving!" Damn it! I don't get this lack of communication and then the communication I do get is totally ambiguous. I guess things will come to some resolution this week when he's back in the city. We'll see...

At the moment I've also been talking to another guy who I've met online. He's so fucking adorable and we're in the same line of work. From what I've seen on facebook, he's pretty cute. Apparently he thinks I'm "really hot", but I don't know what he's talking about. I guess I'm just insecure when it comes to that sort of thing. So we've been talking online. He's away too until tomorrow I think, so we still have to do a real date. I kind of feel weird about possibly dating two people at once, but at this point, I think it's stupid to worry about that. If I end up continuing to date them both, then I may have some serious thinking to do. At the moment, "Boy 1"s only "con" is that I haven't seen him for weeks. As for "Boy 2", he's much more experienced with relationships (etc.) than I am, so I'm not sure if I'm intimidated by that. He also smokes pot a handful of times a month. I think for some people that would be a problem, but I don't think it is for me. I mean "Boy 1" smokes cigarettes, and not just when he's drunk (like I have been know to do on occasion). I'm definitely planning on meeting up with "Boy 2". We'll see where it goes from there.

PS - Just saw "MILK" today. It was really good. It got me pretty worked up. If I had wanted to, I could have totally been bawling. I kept it to some manly welling up, especially considering that I was with my brother, cousin, aunt, and grandma. Who would have thought they would have picked that movie. But, I'm glad they did. I never realized how tolerant they were. It gives me a lot of hope that when I finally decide to come out to my family that they will be ok with it. I already know they will, but it's just not something I'm prepared for yet.

Waiting...

So it's now been two weeks and counting since I've actually seen him again. He's home for the week for Thanksgiving, so for now he's pretty much off the hook and I'm just waiting it out. Apparently he's had to work crazy hard for school these last two weeks in order to take this week off. He said that he really just needed to focus on school right now. I'm not sure if that means right now as in these next couple weeks or right now as in at this point in my life. I've sent him texts and IM's, but there's been limited response. A couple apologies for not being able to talk. I'm really not sure how to read the situation at all. I feel like he's blowing me off, but if that were the case, why wouldn't he just cut off all communication. I also don't really know where that would be coming from either since I was under the impression that the two dates we've been on went pretty well. Yeah there were awkward moments, but a date's no fun if you can't remember certain moments and think "god i'm an idiot". Plus he told me that he was having a really good time. Really not sure what's up. For now, like I said, I'm just waiting it out. No contact this week from me. If that's what he wants, then fine. We'll see how things shape up when he's back in town next week. Although I'm sure he'll just have to start studying for finals... Ugh. Frustrating. Luckily I already have a replacement all lined up if this one falls through. More on that later.

A Week Later

So after the awkward goodbye, we talked online off and on for the week. We decided that we would meet up that weekend to watch a movie at his place. So I went over. I was a little nervous again, but when I saw him waiting for me, it all went away and I was really excited to see him. The greeting was kinda funny. I think he wanted to avoid the handshake too, but his way of avoiding it was apparently to give a high five. Unfortunately I had a plan too, which was a hug. So, we awkwardly met somewhere in the middle of each. I told him I'm not the high-five type anyway.

So we go up to his place. It was so sweet. I could tell he had cleaned up and made his bed and everything. He had a little candle lit, which was really cute. We ordered pizza and went to pick it up. We got a bottle of wine on the way. I don't know what's wrong with me though. When we got back, I had absolutely no appetite. I barely finished one slice of pizza. Maybe I was getting sick or maybe it was just nerves. I don't know. But I felt like such an idiot. Apparently it didn't affect my ability to drink half the bottle of wine in 30 minutes though. Haha.

We put on the movie and started watching it. Get Smart. Maybe it was the wine, but neither of us had any clue about what was going on. Nothing really happened though. We were just sort of leaning on each other. Holding hands. Trying to actually figure out what was happening in the ridiculous movie we were watching. After the movie, we watched some tv and he asked if i wanted to spend the night. I thought about it and said sure. So I spent the night and we just cuddled and spooned. Nothing happened though. I'm not really used to having company while I sleep, so for me it wasn't the best night's sleep i've ever had. Plus I think the wine was making me sick. It definitely was when I woke up. I felt like shit. After laying there trying to fall back to sleep I told him that I was heading home. I really felt crappy and I just needed to be home in my own bed to get some actual sleep. I gave him a kiss, told him we'd talk later, and headed home.

More to come... Sort of.

First Date

Oh wow. How long has it been? I started this blog on the 4th of July and now it's already time for Thanksgiving. They're putting up Christmas lights in our neighborhood. Not too much has changed since I started this blog over the summer. Work is the same. We've got projects to work on and no one seems too worried about the economy going south.

As for the personal life, not a whole lot of news to report there either. I've been using Dlist trying to meet new people online. It hasn't really led to anything much. But, a few weeks ago I messaged this guy who I thought sounded and looked like a decent guy and we ended up talking online and getting along quite well. I was going home that whole weekend for family stuff (long story) though, so it wasn't until a week later that we actually met up. We went to a little sandwich place for brunch. It was fun. We found the same things odd like the oddly indifferent wait staff, the drapes that people had to paw their way through just to get in, and the funny strawberry that came with my salad. We each got soup and a half sandwich. I think I probably got the same sandwich I got there when I went a year ago. The food was very good, but of course my appetite was being a bit temperamental that day, so I couldn't even finish my half a sandwich. What the hell is wrong with me. I think it may have been due in part to the fact that I'd never actually gone on a date with a guy before. Maybe... After brunch we went shopping around Soho. We stopped in a couple stores that neither of us could afford and complained about how we wish we could actually shop in these places. Then we went to Starbucks and got some coffee. It was still just warm enough that we could walk around w/o a jacket, so we went to the park nearby and sat and talked about dogs and movies. It was really sweet and I decided I really like his personality. After that, we decided to go get a drink, so he took me to this place in his neighborhood that had really cheap drinks. I had too and (probably due to the lack of food in my system) started feeling a little buzz. It started getting dark, so we decided to part ways. I mean it was a first date, so it's not like we were going home together. I'm sure some people would argue me on that, but I'm just not that comfortable with that just yet. We got to where we had to turn and me, being the inept person I am, shook his hand and said I had a good time. I really wish I had hugged him at least. I think I was still a little nervous about it being a first date. I texted him as I was walking away to say that I had a really good time and I hoped we could get together again. He texted me back saying that aside from the awkward goodbye (my bad), he had a really good time too and definitely wanted to get together again. I was pretty happy. :)

To be continued...

Fourth of July - First Post

So this is my first post on a brand new blog. My last blog was very personal. Just for me. It was more a way for me to vent when I would get depressed. You know, feelings and emotions and inner thoughts and all that kind of bullshit. I probably wrote on it about once ever other month or two. Hopefully this blog will be a fresh start and a way for me to just share a little about my life as an architect living in New York.

The name of the blog comes from the fact that I'm living downtown. No set grid, so the streets are a bit of a maze sometimes. I love it. I feel like I'm living in the New York you see in old movies, where the streets are narrow and dark and the buildings are ornate and commanding. It's amazing if you look closely at some of the buildings. You find historical references, like the Cunard building (the company that launched the Titanic) that you'd never realize where there.

Well, today was the 4th. A pretty lackluster day by all accounts for myself. I spent the day unpacking clothes and rearranging my room. It was a fairly productive day. I definitely got in a good amount of TV though, don't get me wrong. I was mostly just waiting for the fireworks. We can see the Brooklyn Bridge really well from our rooftop, so I was expecting to have a really good view for tonight. It didn't exactly pan out that way. There were two barges launching fireworks, and of course they were both obscured by the two buildings taller than ours. Great...